my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
