Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
