I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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