Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
