I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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