I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
