my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
