before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
