What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
