bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
