yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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