I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
