Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
