I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I currently don't understand fingers.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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