your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
