I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
