we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
