dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
