she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who died my cat blue again?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
