Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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