and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
