The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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