Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
