maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
