I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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