I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
