This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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