Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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