Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
