I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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