he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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