he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
