she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
40s are totally the cure
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
