I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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