she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
