i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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