I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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