How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
