No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
