Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
