I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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