I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
