We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
