well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
