Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
