Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
