Where did you get a picture of my penis
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
