nut hugger
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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