Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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