if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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