I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
