i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
