exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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